An emotion is a call to action. So just do it!
Tony Robbins in his book "Awaken the Giant Within" told us that "the emotions you are feeling at this very moment are a gift, a guideline, a support system, a call to action". So, understanding what emotions really are, what messages they are telling us, and what actions they are calling us to act upon, is the first step to achieve mastery of emotions. If you ask why mastery of emotions is important, I can assure you – from my own experience – that after I started to master emotions, I can turn the negative emotions (e.g. frustration or hurt) into the empowering messages, ask the right instead of wrong questions to myself, shift my focus from problems to solutions, and find the ways that produce the results I want.
Tony shared the ten primary negative emotions which we will use to drive ourselves to actions. I personally feel this is the best part of the book so I can't wait disseminating it and hopefully helping more. Tony suggested that we write down the ten emotions each on a 3 by 5 index card and carry them around. I did that. I stick them on the wall in front of my workbench, so I can look at them every day. Repeating is the key to mastering any skills. Same for mastering emotions. I ask myself to read and ponder over them everyday, until one day I feel they are so reinforced in my head that I can subconsciously pick the right call to action when I feel a negative emotion.
1. DISCOMFORT.
Message:
Uncomfortable emotions (boredom, impatience, unease, distress, embarrassment) send me a message that something is not quite right, or the actions I am taking is not producing the results I want.
Solution:
1) Ask myself to reevaluate the situation. Ask myself questions like: Is this thing really as off as I am perceiving? Is this result really what I want? Is it really not producing the results or I just need more patience?
2) Remind myself that what we're perceiving may not be true at all. Remind myself that even something is off, we always perceive something bad three times as bad as it really is (and we always perceive something good three times as good as it really is, too).
3) Refine my action. If what I am doing is not producing the results I want, what I can learn from it, and how I can adjust my actions to produce better results?
2. FEAR.
Message:
Fear is simply telling us that we are not prepared for something that's going to happen.
Solution:
Review what I am feeling fearful about and evaluate what I must do to prepare myself, mentally, physically and financially.
3. HURT.
Message:
Feelings of hurt area usually generated by a sense of loss. The message the hurt signal gives us is that we have an expectation that has not been met. For example, if I expected a friend to keep his words but he didn't, I could feel the loss of trust, which hurt.
Solution:
1) Realize that in reality, I may not have lost anything. Maybe what I need to lose is the false perception that this person is trying to wound or hurt me. Maybe they don't realize the impact of their actions on me at all. Maybe it's just a miscommunication or misunderstanding.
2) Ask myself, "Is there really loss there? Am I judging the situation too soon, or too harshly?" (tip: read my favorite fable, "A loss, no bad thing")
3) Communicate! If I feel a sense of hurt, why not elegantly and appropriately bring it up to the person involved? Again, maybe it's just a miscommunication. Tell them the situation and my feeling, and ask them to clarify. Maybe it'll clear up everything.
4. ANGER.
Message:
The anger (resentfulness, fury, even enrage) tells us an important rule or standard that I hold for my life has been violated by someone else, or maybe by myself.
Solution:
1) Realize that I may have misinterpreted the situation completely. My anger about this person breaking my rule may be based on the fact that they don't know what's most important to me – even though I believe they should!
2) Realize that even if a person did violate one of my standards, my rules are not necessarily "the rules", no matter how strong I feel they are.
3) Ask myself more empowering questions. Should I really be angry about this situation? What can I learn from this? How can I prevent this from happening next time? How can I communicate the importance of these standards I hold for myself to this person, in a way that causes them to help me out, and not violate my standards again in the future? (Focus on solutions, not problems.)
5. FRUSTRATION.
Message:
We may not realize this, but the message of frustration is an exciting signal our brains send to us. It means that my brain believes that I could be doing better than I currently are. Yes, I feel frustrated when I believe I can do better!
Solution:
Knowing frustration is a very positive sign, the solutions are straightforward. 1) Realize that frustration is my friend, and then brainstorm new ways to get a result.
2) Get some input from someone on how to deal with the situation. Find the role model who has found a way to get the results I want, and ask them for input or help.
3) Get excited about frustration, because I will learn something that could help me handle this challenge not only today, but in the future.
6. DISAPPOINTMENT.
Message:
Disappointment can be a very destructive one, if we don't deal with it right away. Much worse than frustration. The message disappointment offers us is that an expectation I have had – an important goal I was really going after – is probably never happen. When I feel "disappointed", my brain is in a non-exciting, negative state. It tells me "oh shit, this will not happen", rather than "you are better than this".
Solution:
1) Immediately figure out something I can learn from the situation that can in the future help me achieve the very thing I were after in the first place. Divert my focus from "this is not happening" to "what I learned from this".
2) Set a new goal right away. When I replace the goal that causes me "disappointed" with a new one that's exciting and more inspiring, I shift my focus.
3) Realize that I may be judging too soon. Often the things I am disappointed about are only temporary challenges! Realize that the situation isn't over yet, and develop more patience.
4) The most powerful antidote to the emotion of disappointment is cultivating an attitude of positive expectancy about what will happen in the future, regardless of what has occurred in the past. Remind myself that I cannot connect the dots when I look forward. I can only connect the dots when I look backward. It may be a disappointment today. But ten years later when I look back and connect the dots, it may turn out to be the best thing that ever happens to me.
7. GUILT.
Message:
Guilt tells us that I have violated one of my own highest standards, and that I must do something immediately to ensure that I am not going to violate the standard again in the future.
Solution:
1) Face it. Acknowledge that I have, in fact, violated a critical standard I hold for myself. Don't wallow in guilt.
2) Absolutely commit myself to making sure this behavior will never happen again in the future.
8. INADEQUACY.
Message:
The feeling of inadequacy or unworthiness signals us that I don't presently have a level of skill necessary for the task at hand. It's telling me that I need more information, resources, strategies, tools or confidence. To me, the feeling of inadequacy is similar to that of frustration. My brain is messaging me that I can do better.
Solution:
1) Simply ask myself, "Is this really an appropriate emotion for me to feel in this situation? Am I really inadequate, or do I have to change the way I am perceiving things?"
2) Appreciate the encouragement to improve. Remind myself that I am not perfect, and no one is perfect. We always have more to learn and it's OK to be inadequate sometimes.
3) Commit myself to acquire the missing skills, resources, information, strategies, tools or confidence.
9. OVERLOAD OR OVERWHELM.
Message:
The message of being overwhelmed is that I need to reevaluate what's most important to me in this situation. It's a call to prioritize! It tells me that I have too many going on than I can possibly deal with. The reason I am overloaded is that I am trying to deal with too many things at the same time. (Tip: refer to "Don't be a donkey").
Solution:
1) Decide what the absolute, most important thing is for me to focus on at this moment. Remind me that I have to say "no" to lots of things in order to say "HELL YEAH" to something really intriguing.
2) Prioritize the most important things, put them on a list, and start to tackle on the first thing.
3) Remind myself feeling overloaded actually means that I am important to someone else, and they trust me enough that they hold me responsible for the tasks. Turn this negative emotion into love, appreciation and gratitude.
10. LONELINESS.
Message:
The message of loneliness is simple: I need a connection with people! Yes, I am feeling lonely because I am not connected.
Solution:
1) Realize that I can reach out and make a connection immediately and end the loneliness. There are caring people everywhere.
2) Identify what kind of connections I need.
3) Take immediate action to reach out and connect with someone.
Tony shared the ten primary negative emotions which we will use to drive ourselves to actions. I personally feel this is the best part of the book so I can't wait disseminating it and hopefully helping more. Tony suggested that we write down the ten emotions each on a 3 by 5 index card and carry them around. I did that. I stick them on the wall in front of my workbench, so I can look at them every day. Repeating is the key to mastering any skills. Same for mastering emotions. I ask myself to read and ponder over them everyday, until one day I feel they are so reinforced in my head that I can subconsciously pick the right call to action when I feel a negative emotion.
1. DISCOMFORT.
Message:
Uncomfortable emotions (boredom, impatience, unease, distress, embarrassment) send me a message that something is not quite right, or the actions I am taking is not producing the results I want.
Solution:
1) Ask myself to reevaluate the situation. Ask myself questions like: Is this thing really as off as I am perceiving? Is this result really what I want? Is it really not producing the results or I just need more patience?
2) Remind myself that what we're perceiving may not be true at all. Remind myself that even something is off, we always perceive something bad three times as bad as it really is (and we always perceive something good three times as good as it really is, too).
3) Refine my action. If what I am doing is not producing the results I want, what I can learn from it, and how I can adjust my actions to produce better results?
2. FEAR.
Message:
Fear is simply telling us that we are not prepared for something that's going to happen.
Solution:
Review what I am feeling fearful about and evaluate what I must do to prepare myself, mentally, physically and financially.
3. HURT.
Message:
Feelings of hurt area usually generated by a sense of loss. The message the hurt signal gives us is that we have an expectation that has not been met. For example, if I expected a friend to keep his words but he didn't, I could feel the loss of trust, which hurt.
Solution:
1) Realize that in reality, I may not have lost anything. Maybe what I need to lose is the false perception that this person is trying to wound or hurt me. Maybe they don't realize the impact of their actions on me at all. Maybe it's just a miscommunication or misunderstanding.
2) Ask myself, "Is there really loss there? Am I judging the situation too soon, or too harshly?" (tip: read my favorite fable, "A loss, no bad thing")
3) Communicate! If I feel a sense of hurt, why not elegantly and appropriately bring it up to the person involved? Again, maybe it's just a miscommunication. Tell them the situation and my feeling, and ask them to clarify. Maybe it'll clear up everything.
4. ANGER.
Message:
The anger (resentfulness, fury, even enrage) tells us an important rule or standard that I hold for my life has been violated by someone else, or maybe by myself.
Solution:
1) Realize that I may have misinterpreted the situation completely. My anger about this person breaking my rule may be based on the fact that they don't know what's most important to me – even though I believe they should!
2) Realize that even if a person did violate one of my standards, my rules are not necessarily "the rules", no matter how strong I feel they are.
3) Ask myself more empowering questions. Should I really be angry about this situation? What can I learn from this? How can I prevent this from happening next time? How can I communicate the importance of these standards I hold for myself to this person, in a way that causes them to help me out, and not violate my standards again in the future? (Focus on solutions, not problems.)
5. FRUSTRATION.
Message:
We may not realize this, but the message of frustration is an exciting signal our brains send to us. It means that my brain believes that I could be doing better than I currently are. Yes, I feel frustrated when I believe I can do better!
Solution:
Knowing frustration is a very positive sign, the solutions are straightforward. 1) Realize that frustration is my friend, and then brainstorm new ways to get a result.
2) Get some input from someone on how to deal with the situation. Find the role model who has found a way to get the results I want, and ask them for input or help.
3) Get excited about frustration, because I will learn something that could help me handle this challenge not only today, but in the future.
6. DISAPPOINTMENT.
Message:
Disappointment can be a very destructive one, if we don't deal with it right away. Much worse than frustration. The message disappointment offers us is that an expectation I have had – an important goal I was really going after – is probably never happen. When I feel "disappointed", my brain is in a non-exciting, negative state. It tells me "oh shit, this will not happen", rather than "you are better than this".
Solution:
1) Immediately figure out something I can learn from the situation that can in the future help me achieve the very thing I were after in the first place. Divert my focus from "this is not happening" to "what I learned from this".
2) Set a new goal right away. When I replace the goal that causes me "disappointed" with a new one that's exciting and more inspiring, I shift my focus.
3) Realize that I may be judging too soon. Often the things I am disappointed about are only temporary challenges! Realize that the situation isn't over yet, and develop more patience.
4) The most powerful antidote to the emotion of disappointment is cultivating an attitude of positive expectancy about what will happen in the future, regardless of what has occurred in the past. Remind myself that I cannot connect the dots when I look forward. I can only connect the dots when I look backward. It may be a disappointment today. But ten years later when I look back and connect the dots, it may turn out to be the best thing that ever happens to me.
7. GUILT.
Message:
Guilt tells us that I have violated one of my own highest standards, and that I must do something immediately to ensure that I am not going to violate the standard again in the future.
Solution:
1) Face it. Acknowledge that I have, in fact, violated a critical standard I hold for myself. Don't wallow in guilt.
2) Absolutely commit myself to making sure this behavior will never happen again in the future.
8. INADEQUACY.
Message:
The feeling of inadequacy or unworthiness signals us that I don't presently have a level of skill necessary for the task at hand. It's telling me that I need more information, resources, strategies, tools or confidence. To me, the feeling of inadequacy is similar to that of frustration. My brain is messaging me that I can do better.
Solution:
1) Simply ask myself, "Is this really an appropriate emotion for me to feel in this situation? Am I really inadequate, or do I have to change the way I am perceiving things?"
2) Appreciate the encouragement to improve. Remind myself that I am not perfect, and no one is perfect. We always have more to learn and it's OK to be inadequate sometimes.
3) Commit myself to acquire the missing skills, resources, information, strategies, tools or confidence.
9. OVERLOAD OR OVERWHELM.
Message:
The message of being overwhelmed is that I need to reevaluate what's most important to me in this situation. It's a call to prioritize! It tells me that I have too many going on than I can possibly deal with. The reason I am overloaded is that I am trying to deal with too many things at the same time. (Tip: refer to "Don't be a donkey").
Solution:
1) Decide what the absolute, most important thing is for me to focus on at this moment. Remind me that I have to say "no" to lots of things in order to say "HELL YEAH" to something really intriguing.
2) Prioritize the most important things, put them on a list, and start to tackle on the first thing.
3) Remind myself feeling overloaded actually means that I am important to someone else, and they trust me enough that they hold me responsible for the tasks. Turn this negative emotion into love, appreciation and gratitude.
10. LONELINESS.
Message:
The message of loneliness is simple: I need a connection with people! Yes, I am feeling lonely because I am not connected.
Solution:
1) Realize that I can reach out and make a connection immediately and end the loneliness. There are caring people everywhere.
2) Identify what kind of connections I need.
3) Take immediate action to reach out and connect with someone.
