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I recommend reading EGO IS THE ENEMY by RYAN HOLIDAY every 6 months. To paraphrase Ryan's words in the book, ego is like dust in the room. Every once in a while we need to sweep the dust away, or it will accumulate. Ego is probably not something we can completely kill. But with practice and patience, we will learn how to suppress it and prevent it from ruining ourselves.
If you haven't read it, I highly suggest you should. No matter where you are at this moment of your life. This is first part of my book notes, from PART I: ASPIRE.
To whatever you aspire, ego is the enemy. We have a goal, a calling, a new beginning. Every great journey begins here – yet far too many of us never reach our intended destination. Ego more often than not is the culprit. We build ourselves up with fantastical stories, we pretend we have it all figured out, we let our star burn bright and hot only to fizzle out, and we have no idea why. These are symptoms of ego, for which humility and reality are the cure. |
Where Isocrates and Shakespeare wished us to be self-contained, self-motivated, and ruled by principle, most of us have been trained to do the opposite. Our cultural values almost try to make us dependent on validation, entitled, and ruled by our emotions. For a generation, parents and teachers have focused on building up everyone's self-esteem. From there, the themes of our gurus and public figures have been almost exclusively aimed at inspiring, encouraging and assuring us that we can do whatever we set our minds to.
In reality, this makes us weak. Yes, you, with all your talent and promise as a boy wonder or a girl-who's-going-places. We take it for granted that you have promise. It's why you've landed in the prestigious university you now attend, why you've secured the funding you have for your business, why you've been hired or promoted, why whatever opportunity you now have has fallen into your lap.
In this phase, you must practice seeing yourself with a little distance, cultivating the ability to get out of your own head. Detachment is a sort of natural ego antidote. It's easy to be emotionally invested and infatuated with your own work. Any and every narcissist can do that. What is rare is not raw talent, skill, or even confidence, but humility, diligence, and self-awareness.
Facts are better than dreams, as Churchill put it.
In reality, this makes us weak. Yes, you, with all your talent and promise as a boy wonder or a girl-who's-going-places. We take it for granted that you have promise. It's why you've landed in the prestigious university you now attend, why you've secured the funding you have for your business, why you've been hired or promoted, why whatever opportunity you now have has fallen into your lap.
In this phase, you must practice seeing yourself with a little distance, cultivating the ability to get out of your own head. Detachment is a sort of natural ego antidote. It's easy to be emotionally invested and infatuated with your own work. Any and every narcissist can do that. What is rare is not raw talent, skill, or even confidence, but humility, diligence, and self-awareness.
Facts are better than dreams, as Churchill put it.
From Chapter "TALK, TALK, TALK"...
It's a temptation that exists for everyone – for talk and hype to replace action.
Almost universally, the kind of performance we give on social media is positive. It's more "Let me tell you how well things are going. Look how great I am." It's rarely the truth: "I am scared. I am struggling. I don't know."
At the beginning of any path, we're excited and nervous. So we seek to comfort ourselves externally instead of inwardly. There's a weak side to each of us, that – like a trade union – isn't exactly malicious but at the end of the day still wants get as much public credit and attention as it can for doing the least. That side we call ego.
We seem to think silence is a sign of weakness. That being ignored is tantamount to death (and for the ego, this is true). So we talk, talk, talk as though our life depends on it.
In actuality, silence is strength – particularly early on in any journey.
And that's what is so insidious about talk... Most people are decent at hype and sale. So what is scarce and rare? Silence. The ability to deliberately keep yourself out of the conversation and subsist without its validation. Silence is the respite of the confident and the strong.
The work quietly in the corner. They turn their inner turmoil into product – and eventually to stillness. They ignore the impulse to seek recognition before they act. They don't talk much. Or mind the feeling of others, out there in public and enjoying the limelight, are somehow getting the better end of the deal. (They are not.) They're too busy working to do anything else. When they do talk – it's earned.
The only relationship between work and chatter is that one kills the other.
It's a temptation that exists for everyone – for talk and hype to replace action.
Almost universally, the kind of performance we give on social media is positive. It's more "Let me tell you how well things are going. Look how great I am." It's rarely the truth: "I am scared. I am struggling. I don't know."
At the beginning of any path, we're excited and nervous. So we seek to comfort ourselves externally instead of inwardly. There's a weak side to each of us, that – like a trade union – isn't exactly malicious but at the end of the day still wants get as much public credit and attention as it can for doing the least. That side we call ego.
We seem to think silence is a sign of weakness. That being ignored is tantamount to death (and for the ego, this is true). So we talk, talk, talk as though our life depends on it.
In actuality, silence is strength – particularly early on in any journey.
And that's what is so insidious about talk... Most people are decent at hype and sale. So what is scarce and rare? Silence. The ability to deliberately keep yourself out of the conversation and subsist without its validation. Silence is the respite of the confident and the strong.
The work quietly in the corner. They turn their inner turmoil into product – and eventually to stillness. They ignore the impulse to seek recognition before they act. They don't talk much. Or mind the feeling of others, out there in public and enjoying the limelight, are somehow getting the better end of the deal. (They are not.) They're too busy working to do anything else. When they do talk – it's earned.
The only relationship between work and chatter is that one kills the other.
From Chapter "TO BE OR TO DO?"...
Whatever we seek to do in life, reality soon intrudes on our youthful idealism. This reality comes in many names and forms: incentives, commitments, recognition, and politics. In every case, they can quickly redirect us from doing to being. From earning to pretending. Ego aids in that deception every step of the way.
How do you prevent derailment? Well, often we fall in love with an image of what success looks like... For other people, it's their job title, the business school they went to, the number of assistants they have, the location of their parking space, the grants they earn, their access to the CEO, the size of their paycheck, or the number of fans they have.
Appearances are deceiving. Having authority is not the same as being an authority. Having the right and being right are not the same either. Being promoted doesn't necessarily mean you're doing good work and it doesn't mean you are worthy of promotion (they call it failing upward in such bureaucracies). Impressing people is utterly different from being truly impressive.
Whatever we seek to do in life, reality soon intrudes on our youthful idealism. This reality comes in many names and forms: incentives, commitments, recognition, and politics. In every case, they can quickly redirect us from doing to being. From earning to pretending. Ego aids in that deception every step of the way.
How do you prevent derailment? Well, often we fall in love with an image of what success looks like... For other people, it's their job title, the business school they went to, the number of assistants they have, the location of their parking space, the grants they earn, their access to the CEO, the size of their paycheck, or the number of fans they have.
Appearances are deceiving. Having authority is not the same as being an authority. Having the right and being right are not the same either. Being promoted doesn't necessarily mean you're doing good work and it doesn't mean you are worthy of promotion (they call it failing upward in such bureaucracies). Impressing people is utterly different from being truly impressive.
From Chapter "BECOME A STUDENT"...
The power of being a student is not just that it is an extended period of instruction, it also places the ego and ambition in someone else's hands. There is a sort of ego ceiling imposed – one knows that he is not better than the "master" he apprentices under. Not even close. You defer to them, you subsume yourself. You cannot fake or bullshit them. And education can't be "hacked"; there are no shortcuts besides hacking it every single day. If you don't, they drop you.
We don't like thinking that someone is better than us. Or that we have a lot left to learn. We want to be done. We want to be ready. We're busy and overburdened. For this reason, updating your appraisal of your talents in a downward direction is one of the most difficult thing to do in life – but it is almost always a component of mastery. The pretense of knowledge is our most dangerous vice, because it prevents us from getting any better. Studious self-assessment is the antidote.
The mixed martial arts pioneer and multi-title champion Frank Shamrock has a system he trains fighters in that he calls plus, minus, and equal. Each fighter, to become great, he said, needs to have someone better that they can learn from, someone lesser who they can teach, and someone equal that they can challenge themselves against.
It's impossible to learn that which one thinks one already knows.
Ego doesn't allow for proper incubation. To become what we ultimately hope to become often takes long periods of obscurity, of sitting and wrestling with some topic or paradox. Humility is what keeps us there, concerned that we don't know enough and that we must continue to study. Ego rushes to the end, rationalizes that patience is for losers (wrongly seeing it as a weakness), and assumes that we're good enough to give our talents a go in the world.
The power of being a student is not just that it is an extended period of instruction, it also places the ego and ambition in someone else's hands. There is a sort of ego ceiling imposed – one knows that he is not better than the "master" he apprentices under. Not even close. You defer to them, you subsume yourself. You cannot fake or bullshit them. And education can't be "hacked"; there are no shortcuts besides hacking it every single day. If you don't, they drop you.
We don't like thinking that someone is better than us. Or that we have a lot left to learn. We want to be done. We want to be ready. We're busy and overburdened. For this reason, updating your appraisal of your talents in a downward direction is one of the most difficult thing to do in life – but it is almost always a component of mastery. The pretense of knowledge is our most dangerous vice, because it prevents us from getting any better. Studious self-assessment is the antidote.
The mixed martial arts pioneer and multi-title champion Frank Shamrock has a system he trains fighters in that he calls plus, minus, and equal. Each fighter, to become great, he said, needs to have someone better that they can learn from, someone lesser who they can teach, and someone equal that they can challenge themselves against.
It's impossible to learn that which one thinks one already knows.
Ego doesn't allow for proper incubation. To become what we ultimately hope to become often takes long periods of obscurity, of sitting and wrestling with some topic or paradox. Humility is what keeps us there, concerned that we don't know enough and that we must continue to study. Ego rushes to the end, rationalizes that patience is for losers (wrongly seeing it as a weakness), and assumes that we're good enough to give our talents a go in the world.
From Chapter "DON'T BE PASSIONATE"...
Your passion may be the very thing holding you back from power or influence or accomplishment. Because just as often, we fail with – no, because of – passion.
To be clear, I'm not talking about caring. I am talking about passion of a different sort – unbridled enthusiasm, our willingness to pounce on what's in front of us with the full measure of our zeal, the "bundle of energy" that our teachers and gurus have assured us is our most important asset. It's that burning, unquenchable desire to start or to achieve some vague, ambitious, and distant goal.
Passion is about. (I am so passionate about ___.) Purpose is to and for. (I must do ___. I was put here to accomplish ___. I am willing to endure ___ for the sake of this.) Actually, purpose deemphasizes the I. Purpose is about pursuing something outside yourself as opposed to pleasuring yourself.
The critical work that you want to do will require your deliberation and consideration. Not passion. Not naïveté.
It'd be far better if you were intimidated by what lies ahead – humbled by its magnitude and determined to see it through regardless.
Your passion may be the very thing holding you back from power or influence or accomplishment. Because just as often, we fail with – no, because of – passion.
To be clear, I'm not talking about caring. I am talking about passion of a different sort – unbridled enthusiasm, our willingness to pounce on what's in front of us with the full measure of our zeal, the "bundle of energy" that our teachers and gurus have assured us is our most important asset. It's that burning, unquenchable desire to start or to achieve some vague, ambitious, and distant goal.
Passion is about. (I am so passionate about ___.) Purpose is to and for. (I must do ___. I was put here to accomplish ___. I am willing to endure ___ for the sake of this.) Actually, purpose deemphasizes the I. Purpose is about pursuing something outside yourself as opposed to pleasuring yourself.
The critical work that you want to do will require your deliberation and consideration. Not passion. Not naïveté.
It'd be far better if you were intimidated by what lies ahead – humbled by its magnitude and determined to see it through regardless.
From Chapter "FOLLOW THE CANVAS STRATEGY"...
Find canvases for other people to paint on. Clear the path for the people above you and you will eventually create a path for yourself.
When you are just starting out, we can be sure of a few fundamental realities: 1) You're not as good or as important as you think you are; 2) You have an attitude that needs to be readjusted; 3) Most of what you think you know or most of what you learned in books or in school is out of date or wrong.
Be lesser, do more. Imagine if for every person you met, you thought of some way to help them, something you could do for them? And you looked at it in a way that entirely benefited them and not you. To cumulative effect this would have over time would be profound: You'd learn a great deal by solving diverse problems. You'd develop a reputation for being indispensable. You'd have countless new relationships. You'd have an enormous bank of favors to call upon down the road.
That's what the canvas strategy is about – helping yourself by helping others. Making a concerted effort to trade your short-term gratification for a longer-term payoff. Whereas everyone else wants to get credit and be "respected", you can forget credit. You can forget it so hard that you're glad when others get it instead of you – that was your aim, after all. Let the others take their credit on credit, while you defer and earn interest on the principal.
Find canvases for other people to paint on. Clear the path for the people above you and you will eventually create a path for yourself.
When you are just starting out, we can be sure of a few fundamental realities: 1) You're not as good or as important as you think you are; 2) You have an attitude that needs to be readjusted; 3) Most of what you think you know or most of what you learned in books or in school is out of date or wrong.
Be lesser, do more. Imagine if for every person you met, you thought of some way to help them, something you could do for them? And you looked at it in a way that entirely benefited them and not you. To cumulative effect this would have over time would be profound: You'd learn a great deal by solving diverse problems. You'd develop a reputation for being indispensable. You'd have countless new relationships. You'd have an enormous bank of favors to call upon down the road.
That's what the canvas strategy is about – helping yourself by helping others. Making a concerted effort to trade your short-term gratification for a longer-term payoff. Whereas everyone else wants to get credit and be "respected", you can forget credit. You can forget it so hard that you're glad when others get it instead of you – that was your aim, after all. Let the others take their credit on credit, while you defer and earn interest on the principal.
From Chapter "THE DANGER OF EARLY PRIDE"...
You need only to care about your career to understand that pride – even in real accomplishments – is a distraction and a deluder.
Pride blunts the very instrument we need to own in order to succeed: our mind. Our ability to learn, to adapt, to be flexible, to build relationships, all of this is dulled by pride.
You need only to care about your career to understand that pride – even in real accomplishments – is a distraction and a deluder.
Pride blunts the very instrument we need to own in order to succeed: our mind. Our ability to learn, to adapt, to be flexible, to build relationships, all of this is dulled by pride.
From Chapter "WORK, WORK, WORK"...
The best plan is only good intentions unless it degenerates into work.
The distinction between a professional and a dilettante occurs right there – when you accept that having an idea is not enough; that you must work until you are able to recreate your experience effectively in words on the page.
You can't build a reputation on what you're going to do.
Our ego wants the ideas and the fact that we aspire to do something about them to be enough. Wants the hours we spend planning and attending conferences or chatting with impressed friends to count toward the tally that success seems to require. It wants to be paid well for its time and it wants to do the fun stuff – the stuff that gets attention, credit, or glory.
So: Do we sit down, alone, and struggle with our work? Work that may or may not go anywhere, that may be discouraging or painful? Do we love work, making a living to do work, not the other way around? Do you love practice, the way great athletes do? Or do we chase short-term attention and validation – whether that's indulging in the endless search for ideas or simply the distraction of talk and chatter?
Every time you sit down to work, remind yourself: I am delaying gratification by doing this. I am passing the marshmallow test. I am earning what my ambitions burns for. I am making an investment in myself instead of in my ego.
The best plan is only good intentions unless it degenerates into work.
The distinction between a professional and a dilettante occurs right there – when you accept that having an idea is not enough; that you must work until you are able to recreate your experience effectively in words on the page.
You can't build a reputation on what you're going to do.
Our ego wants the ideas and the fact that we aspire to do something about them to be enough. Wants the hours we spend planning and attending conferences or chatting with impressed friends to count toward the tally that success seems to require. It wants to be paid well for its time and it wants to do the fun stuff – the stuff that gets attention, credit, or glory.
So: Do we sit down, alone, and struggle with our work? Work that may or may not go anywhere, that may be discouraging or painful? Do we love work, making a living to do work, not the other way around? Do you love practice, the way great athletes do? Or do we chase short-term attention and validation – whether that's indulging in the endless search for ideas or simply the distraction of talk and chatter?
Every time you sit down to work, remind yourself: I am delaying gratification by doing this. I am passing the marshmallow test. I am earning what my ambitions burns for. I am making an investment in myself instead of in my ego.
